#652
Lita: Lord Thingajig, eh?
Date: 09/23/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Mummy: No, Miss. It's Lord Kinsey Figgybottom.
Lita: Yeah, ok. Anyway, on to the good stuff! Voodoo! Yay! How does it work?
Rimmer: Well, now that we have this eyeliner, we need something to use as a voodoo doll.
Lita: Right. Just a minute. I'll go find something.
<Lita leaves for a few minutes, but eventually returns with something fuzzy in her hands.>
Rimmer: Is that what I think it is?
Lita: It was all I could find. I had to dig around in the bottom of my closet for this.
Rimmer: It's a Care Bear!
Lita: Yeah! I loved the Care Bears when I was a kid. I always really wanted Bedtime Bear. But my parents never got me one. They got me a bunch of lame-ass other Care Bears instead, as if those would be as good. I don't even remember this one's name. All I wanted was Bedtime Bear…
Rimmer: Yeah ok. This will work. <She takes the stuffed bear from Lita, who is staring off into space, and mumbling faintly to herself. Rimmer looks at the bear. It's pink and it has a rainbow on it's tummy.> Yeah, I think this is a fairly good representation of Feyroh Blowbius. So all we have to do with this is… uh…
Mummy: It's very simple, dear girl. Let me have that. I'll just open up the back, like so, insert the eyeliner pencil thusly, and then stitch him right back up again. There you go, it's right as rain!
Rimmer: Great! Thanks Lord Kinsey Figgybottom! And then I'll just add some of this zombie powder…
Mummy: No, don't do that!
<It's too late. Rimmer's already done it. Immediately, the Care Bear springs to life, and starts dancing around the room, giggling and singing.>
CB: Tee-hee-hee! Hello everybody! I love you all!
Lita: <snaps out of her daydream> Huh? Gaah! What the hell are you?
CB: You shouldn't use mean language like that, Little Girl! It's not nice! But I still care about you!
<The Care Bear bounds over to Lita, and grabs onto her leg, hugging her tightly.>
Lita: Aah! Get it off me! Rimmi! What did you do???
Rimmer: I didn't do it!
Mummy: Yes you did, I saw you.
Lita: Make it go away! I'm really scared!
CB: <Its cute plastic eyes become cloudy. It's little pink fuzzy brow furrows.> You don't understand. I care about you. I care about all of you. I'll *make* you understand. I think it's time for the Care Bear Stare!
Mummy: Good, Lord! Whatever might that be?
<The Care Bear disengages itself from Lita's leg, and backs up a few steps, facing everybody in the room. Rimmer jumps behind the sarcophagus, and pulls Lord Kinsey Figgybottom down with her. Lita is too terrified to move. The bear screws its eyes shut in concentration, and sticks its belly out. The rainbow embroidered on its tummy starts to glow.>
CB: I caaarrre… I caaarrre… I caaarrre… I caaarrre…
<A beam of glowey, shiny, light bursts out of the bears stomach, and hits Lita full in the face. Lita falls over backwards. Just then, Evil Mike enters the room, having just returned from the hospital (or, more precisely, the payphone outside the wreckage of the hospital). He takes one look at the Care Bear and his mission is clear.>
EM: Kill it!
CB: <breaks its concentration in surprise> Huh?
<Evil Mike wastes no time in kicking the Care Bear down, stomping on it, and then jumping up and down on top of its tiny little body for good measure.>
CB: Ooh! Ouchies! Please, stop Mister! That isn't nice! <3
EM: Die! Die! Die!
<After a while, Evil Mike stops killing the bear. It is still breathing faintly, but has stopped moving. Lord Kinsey Figgybottom picks up its remains, tears open the back, and removes the eyeliner pencil. All life fades from the Care Bear. It is once again an ordinary toy.>
Mummy: <to Rimmer> Next time, young lady, let us try *not* to bring the voodoo doll to life.
Rimmer: Too bad it didn't work on the Spaz Sparrow Spobius, eh? Hey! Look at Lita… what's she smiling about?
<to be continued…>
<Meanwhile, back in the lair ofThe Mad Pharaoh Mobius, PM is pacing back and forth in front of his faithful servant, Nabut. Behind Nabut, Carmelita6969 and two other similarly minded Lita clones are sitting together, giggling.>
PM: MSTBlanca was entirely destroyed! Again! And why? Because you can't stand up to a tiny little distraction!
Nabut: But Sir! All three of them at a time! That's hard to ignore!
PM: You're paid to ignore them! You're supposed to keep invaders out!
Nabut: But I… Sir? Are you all right?
<A glazed look has come over PM's face. Suddenly, he grins stupidly, and starts prancing around the room happily.>
Nabut: Sir? Are you all right?
PM: Tee-hee-hee! Hello everybody! I love you all!
Lita6969: <Laughs and winks fetchingly> Well, I love you too, Sugar.
Nabut: Sir, what are you doing? This is quite unlike you…
PM: <To Nabut> You shouldn't use mean language like that, Little Girl! It's not nice! But I still care about you!
Nabut: Little Girl? I beg your pardon?
<With no warning, Pharaoh Mobius rushes over to Nabut, and hugs him with all his might.>
Nabut: Sir! Please! What are you doing?
PM: <Looks at Nabut in confusion and something like sadness.> You don't understand. I care about you. I care about all of you. I'll *make* you understand. I think it's time for the Care Bear Stare!
Nabut: The what? Sir, I don't think… Sir, stop doing that, it's very disturbing!
<Nabut has much reason to be startled. Pharaoh Mobius has stopped hugging him. He's closed his eyes tight, and pushed his stomach out as far as he can. It's not a pretty thing to see. Even the Lita clones in the back of the room are a bit grossed out. And they've seen a lot of weird stuff…>
PM: I caaarrre… I caaarrre… I caaarrre… I caaarrre… Huh?
<PM falls to the floor and starts writhing around in pain. The Lita Clones run from the room in fear. Nabut is at a loss for what to do, he just stares, speechless. If he didn't know better, he'd swear that some invisible force was jumping up and down on Pharaoh Mobius. But that would be impossible.>
PM: Ooh! Ouchies! Please, stop Mister! That isn't nice! <3
<And then, as fast as it started, whatever came over Pharaoh Mobius goes away. He looks around in confusion, starts to speak, and then thinks better of it. He gets up, feeling a bit sore, and then stands, swaying for a moment.>
PM: All right. That was really, really weird.
#653
So what's in this box?
Date: 09/23/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Sorry, Lita, it's just, when Rimmer said what's in the box a few replys back, I just assumed it was this one. I should be paying attention to the main story instead of getting lost in my own subplot. Anyhoo, (opens the box) OH! That is just sick!!!
Lita (gets up): Oh, this can't be good. What'd he take of mine?
Mickey: (throws up) This isn't yours, at least I hope not. It's a damn dirty anteater heart (wow, thought we were done with that one, didn't you?)
Lita: Well, thanks for missing my shoes. Wait a minute, when you showed it to TDO, you said it was sexy. You think that's sexy?
Mickey: No, I never even looked in the box.
Lita: Than why didn't TDO get sick?
Mickey: Well, remember, he did have a thing for one certsin former anteater, the sicko. Well, when you kill Evil Mike, I'm getting in line in back of you, because I want to kill him, too.
Lita: How about the nurse?
Mickey: She isn't a mistie. She doesn't know the evil that these little guys are capable of. But anyway, this is just nasty, I...where'd he get this?
Lita: It's a long story.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Between Lita's Care Bear references, and my Mario references back in the Wacky Race, I feel really old right now.
#654
<Back at Lita's place... (Yes, again.)>
Date: 09/23/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Rimmer: Didn't you people hear me? What's wrong with Lita? Why is she smiling like that?
<Lita sits up, grinning from ear to ear. And on her face, nothing but the truest most loving love for everybody and everything.>
Lita: Hi, guys. How are you? I feel great. You know, I never told any of you, but you're all just really wonderful. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Mummy: Oh dear…
Rimmer: She must have gotten hit by the full force of that Care Bear's Stare. And now she's filled with nothing but love and caring.
Mummy: And not the useful kind we need to keep from punching strangers on the pavement, but the disgusting sappy kind like we see in children's television.
Lita: Wow, Rimmie, you're so smart. You're just really… I love you. You to Lord Higginbottom!
Rimmer: Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
EM: How long is this going to last? 'Cause I think it's going to get really annoying really fast.
Lita: Mikey! Hi! When did you get back!
EM: Er… A minute ago. I guess you were passed out on the floor when I got home.
Lita: What fun things did you do while you were away?
EM: Uh… I blew up a hospital.
Lita: What???
<Lita's eyes fill with tears. Her lower lip trembles at the thought of all those poor sick people in the hospital who no longer have the opportunity to get well and spread love and beauty to all mankind.>
EM: Aw, stop that. Nobody died.
Lita: They didn't?
EM: No. There were only three people in that whole hospital anyway, and they got out just in time.
Rimmer: You called to warn them again, didn't you?
EM: I keep forgetting to cross that step off my To Do List…
Lita: Oh, Mike!
<Lita's eyes fill with tears again, but this time they are tears of joy, and love for Evil Mike, bordering on worship. She rushes to Evil Mike and embraces him tightly.>
Lita: Oh, Evil Mike! I knew you weren't completely evil!
EM: Yes I am!
Lita: I knew that deep down, under your tough, mean exterior, there was a squidgy squooshie soft, loveable Mikey Wikey inside!
EM: Oh that's completely inaccurate…
Lita: <Hugs Evil Mike even tighter> Oh, Evil Mike! You're so wonderful! You're so strong, and handsome, and just really, really fun to be around! I love you!
EM: You know… I could get used to this…
#655
I am a time/space expert, you know
Date: 09/23/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
(TDO flys by in his magical time plane and puts response 654 in front of 653.)
Lita: Huh? That doesn't make sense. Why do I get up in both responses and what are you doing in my house?
Mickey: Well, I'm not quite sure about the logistics of it, and as to why I'm here, uh...(Lita trys to be mad, but just can't, she cares to much) I gootta go. Bye!!!
(Evil Mike punches Mickey as he tries to get away)
Lita: That wasn't very nice.
Evil Mike: Oh, that's just the Care Bear talking.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Apologizes yet again for messing up the story
#656
Sorry. I messed up the story too.
Date: 09/23/2001
From: A_Judas_Rimmer
I've been busy trying not to be sexually harassed. I think I understand what's happening now but feel free to fill me in.
<Rimmi looked at Lita in panic.>
Rim: Well, that thoroughly sucked. Lita is out of her mind.
Mummy: I told you-
Rim: Shut up. This is your fault so stop trying to blame this on me.
Mummy: But it is your-
Rim: YOU should have told me sooner this would happen. That's what makes this your fault. I think what we ought to do is infuse her with evil again. But how do we do that.....?<Rimmi glances at Evil Mike....>
#657
It's quite all right, Mickey!
Date: 09/23/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Everybody messes up the posting order once in a while! It's one of the wonderful things that make us all human! Don't feel bad! Turn that frown upside-down, and let a smile be your umbrella! You're a wonderful person, and don't let anybody tell you different!
<Evil Mike is jealous that Mickey is getting all the attention, and punches Mickey again.>
Evil Mike! That's not nice! You should be more caring and compassionate! But don't feel bad! I'm not here to lecture you! You're really good at punching people, you've got a real talent for it! Everybody is good at something, if they look hard enough!
And Professor Higgins <Mummy: Now you're not even trying to get my name right! HMPH!> I just think it was really great how you came back from the dead to help us.
And Rimmie, that was wonderful how you brought that Care Bear to life so that it could show me the light. Sure, it beat the stuffing out of me, but I deserved it! I was being a real Negative Nellie! <Everybody groans> But now I'm all better! So thanks!
Wow, I just love people! You're all so great! {'D <Lita pulls everybody in the room into a big group hug... whether they want to be involved or not.>
Lita
Queen of Hugs
President of the I Care About Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Care About Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup for Caring
#658
Oops! I messed up the story!
Date: 09/23/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Lita: Silly me! Tee-hee-hee!
Rimmer: This isn't right. It has to stop.
EM: Why?
Rimmer: It's not natural.
EM: Hey, Lita. Speaking of unnatural acts, do you wanna... um... *ahem*
Lita: Oh, you goose! I have no idea what you're talking about! But whatever it is, I'm sure it must be really nice!
EM: Oh, yeah... it's really nice...
Mummy: I think I'm going to be sick into my sarcophagus...
Lita
Caring and Sharing is the best way to be!
#659
This is starting to read like
Date: 09/23/2001
From: h_wood
A choose your own adventure book, only without following the directions at the bottom of the page. :^)
Anyway, behind curtain 1 we had a deluxe set of the Encyclopedia Brittanica, behind 2 was a Cheese Straightener, and behind 3 was a goat eating a tin can. Thanks for playing!
<Warning! The Following was filmed in Sarcasto-Vision>
Anyway, with regards to why Neptune Men is Hunky Dory, I have 2 Theories: According to Sci-Fi Channel Programming,
1) Neptune Men takes place in Japan, and we Americans have no concerns about things that happen in other countries.
And/Or
2) The WTC Attack was over a week ago, so naturally we've forgotten all about it.
h_wood
First Loser of Wacky Race Mach II
"Mike, did you have a Hitler Building where you grew up?"
#660
i asked forgiveness from the bottom of..
Date: 09/24/2001
From: thedeadoutkast
my heart
Rimmi, i have been thinking about the things that i have written. And to be honest, now that i think back on them, i am disgusted by it. It seems a widespread opinion that i have did something profane and creepy. With this, i agree, it was VERY profane and creepy. And now, i can only think of what Rimmi must have been thinking when she read the things i wrote. I feels ashamed and angry at myself. I wish i could delete the replies, but that is immpossible. I know that i have frightened some and angered others. But i honestly beg and plead for forgiviness.
So Rimmi, in short, i want us to be cool. Not buddy buddy or anyhitng like that. But just cool so that you wont ignore me or tell anyone that im some freak stalker. Because that is not who or what i am. All day today, i've been kicking myself and wondering if anyone will forgive me.
TDO
<no funny quotes>
#661
Life is too short.
Date: 09/24/2001
From: A_Judas_Rimmer
To be honest TDO I don't think I ever really liked you. Ever since that whole boardwar thing with LEXX I've kept a distance from you. It's obvious you have problems.
I asked you before to leave me alone and you apologized but not before asking me to admit I liked it and not before leaving one final crass remark about getting in my pants. Now I did my best to keep my distance but it's hard too ignore someone who's writing a mock attempted rape of you.
You want an answer. You want to know if we could be "cool?" I don't care enough about you to give you an answer. I guess you might be able to say we aren't cool but then again we never were. You've always been pretty low on my chart of people to respect on this board. I've always found you offensive but I don't care enough to hold a grudge.
I'm going back to the way things were before this happened, like you never sexually harassed me, and ignoring you because I have spent enough time thinking about what a jerk you are. I'm resuming my role of distant dislike for you because you showed no redeemable qualities before you fixated on me in such a sick way.
I won't give you a simple "Oh, it's okay. Let's let bygones be bygones," and "it's okay, just don't do it again," because I just don't care. Take this reply how you will because it's not worth it to me to give you an answer. Life is too short for me to pretend to care enough to let you off the hook again because it would make you feel better. I just don't care.
To everyone else, let's just return to the rp. I'll pick up the story as soon as I'm able.
#662
Damn,
Date: 09/24/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
I wanted the cheese straightener. There was so much cheese left to be straightened. Anyway...
(Lita is now hugging complete strangers as they walk by)
Mickey: Evil Mike, you have to do something.
Evil Mike: Do I, Mickey, do I?
Mickey: Oh, you can't be that evil.
EM: Try me. (Mickey's ready to strangle Evil Mike, but then) Ah, I'm just kidding Mickey. Besides, why would I pass up, you know...
Mickey: No I...Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
EM: There I go telling people my plans again. Crap. Now you're going to try and knock me out so you can take my place.
Mickey: No, no. We need someone evil. I'm just misunderstood. Sorry.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time?Space Expert
A lame attempt at continuing the story, but an attempt , nonetheless,
Lita: Don't worry, Mickey. Lame stories are what you do best!
Mickey: Lita! Get out of my tagline.
#663
[PM materializes at Lita's place.]
Date: 09/24/2001
From: PharaohMobius
[He has Nabut and the Lita clones in tow.]
[PM] Here, Lita. I'm returning your clones.
[Lita] Clones? I have clones?
[PM] Err, yeah. Anyway, Nabut was being quite naughty with them, and I wanted to get them back to you.
[Lita] Mister Nabooty, you shouldn't be mean or nasty to other people! Even if they are clones!
[PM] What the hell happened to you?
[Lita] Stop using bad language, you potty mouth! That's not a nice way to talk!
[PM looks around the room and sees the mummy, the demolished care bear, the eyebrow pencil, and the Essence of Emiril. He thinks for a moment, then slaps his forehead.]
[PM] Oh, for cryin' out loud... *That* explains everything! It explains the weird fit I had, and it explains *THIS*! [PM pulls up his shirt to reveal a rainbow-shaped rash. Everyone recoils at the sight of it.]
[Lita] Umm. It's not nice to flash people, Pflafloofoo-man.
[PM] That's it! I can't take the cutie-pootie routine anymore! Nabut, hand me the Essence of Bitch!
[Nabut] You mean, the vial of Rosanne sweat?
[PM, quietly to Nabut] Yes, you idiot! [aloud] NO! I mean, the *Essence of Bitch*!
[Nabut] Oh, err, right! Here you go, my liege! [Hands PM the vial.]
[PM puts the vial into a spray-mister, and sprays Lita thoroughly.]
[Lita] Huh? Oooh, ick! Stop it, you piece of crap! I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't stop i-- Hey! It worked!
[Rimmer] Wow, was that some kind of weird chemical reaction?
[PM] No, I think anyone would react that way if they got Roseanne sweat sprayed on them.
[Lita] You're damn right, you mothe--
[PM, quickly.] --Anyway, here's your clones back, Lita.
[Nabut] But sir! I wasn't through standing up to their feminine wiles!
[PM] You've done quite enough "standing up" today, young man! [The clones walk by. 6969 looks over her shoulder at PM and winks.] I'll talk to *you* later.
[Rimmer] Well, thanks for your help, Mobius. You can leave now, we have to get back to plotting our reve-- I mean, we have girl stuff to talk about.
[PM] Mmm-hmmm, riiiiiight. That's why Evil Mike and my stolen pseudo-mummy--
[Mummy] That's Lord Kinsey Figgybottom, you cad!
[PM] Right. As I was saying, my stolen pseudo-mummy was helping you make a voodoo care bear to try to punish me for writing a hypothetical argument between you two. Speaking of which, you look terrible, Figgybotom!
[Mummy] That's *Figgybottom*!!! [gasps] Bloody hell, you got it right!
[PM] Durn tootin'. Here now, what's all this? You look awful! Have you let yourself get chewed up by rats?
[Mummy] As a matter of fact, yes.
[PM] Well, we can't have you running around like that. Here, use this combination mortician's cosmetic kit/apholtery-restoration kit. We can fit you with some glass eyes, and get those gnaw-marks right out of your face!
[Mummy] Why, that's quite nice of you! I had marked you as quite the neer-do-well, but you're not a bad sort, are you?
[PM] I may be evil, but I'm not ill-mannered!
[Meanwhile, Rimmer stealthily picks up the eyebrow pencil before PM notices it's still there...]
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus Now!
#664
Yay! I'm back to normal!
Date: 09/24/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Lita: Thanks PM! I can even cuss now! Hell, damn, bitch! Woo!
EM: Dammit! PM, you bastard! I was just about to turn her back the fun way! And now I don't get to!
PM: Yes, well, this way was more hygienic.
Lita: What, by spraying me with Roseanne Sweat?
PM: Er… Ok, you've got a point.
Lita: Well, I'm sorry, Evil Mike, but you're not off the hook that easily. You're coming with me.
EM: Hey, neat!
Lita: All the rest of you kids amuse yourselves for a little while. Evil Mike and I need some time alone to… uh… discuss important literature.
EM: <a little too loudly> Aw, dammit Lita! I thought we were gonna go have se--
Lita: SHHHH!!! Mike! Show a little class, will you?
EM: Oh! Right! <doing his best to affect a snooty accent> Hey, old chums, Lita and I are going to go review some porn. We shall return later.
<Lita does her best to ignore Evil Mike's last statement, pulls him by the arm back to her room, and locks the door.>
Rimmer: She must be back to normal. She couldn't take advantage of Evil Mike like that if she were still under the Care Bear's spell.
Nabut: I don't know. She might just be trying to show him how much she cares.
Rimmer: Either way, if she hasn't recovered yet, she will have by the time she comes out of that room.
PM: Of course she's recovered! My plans always work! So. Anybody up for a game of Go Fish?
Rimmer: Are you still here? If we're going to be plotting against you, it would help if you'd give us some privacy, you know.
PM: So... you don't want to play Go Fish?
Rimmer: I didn't say that. So, do you play the right way where you're trying to get books of four, or the baby way where you just try to get pairs?
PM: That's the baby way?
Lita
is once again
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
#665
She's back? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Date: 09/24/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Rimmer: I thought you wanted her back.
Mickey: Yeah...but I liked the hugs. Plus, now she's pissed at me again.
Rimmer: Why?
Mickey: I don't know, but I know somehow it's my fault, it's always my fault. Well, I better go.
PM: Wait. Don't you need to plot revenge on me?
Mickey: Oh that's just her and Lita. I got no problems with you. Of course, I could place blame on you for Waldo dying, but that would be rude of me. See you all later.
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Late for work, doesn't have time to come up with a witty remark.
#666
<Lita and Evil Mike walk back in>
Date: 09/24/2001
From: Carmelita9000
<They both look a little disheveled. Evil Mike's pants are on inside out, but he doesn't seem to have noticed.>
Lita: Hi everybody!
Mickey: Aaaaah! Don't hit! <He leaps out of a nearby window, and runs away.>
Lita: Huh. What's wrong with him?
Rimmer: Beats me.
Lita: It would have been nice if he'd opened the window before jumping through it. Oh well. Evil Mike, be a dear and clean all that glass up, will you?
EM: What? Aw geeze. She's only been cured for hardly any time at all and already she's making me do all the work. I tell ya...
<Evil Mike continues to complain as he goes to find the broom and dustpan>
Lita: Hey! PM! Nabut! You're still here! Imagine that!
Rimmer: And they're really bad at Go Fish.
PM: You don't play right! You're not supposed to spread the extra cards around! You're supposed to keep them in a neat little pile.
Rimmer: How many times do I have to tell you? The game is called "Go Fish," not "Take the First Card From the Top of the Stack."
PM: I'm sick of this! Nabut, you and I are leaving!
Rimmer: Yeah! Go home and cry, you big baby!
PM: I think I will! Go home, I mean. And not to cry! Because I'm not a baby!
<Pharaoh Mobius and Nabut get up and prepare to teleport out.>
EM: By the way, PM, I thought those pictures of you were really disgusting.
PM: That wasn't--
EM: You pervert.
PM: That wasn't me!
EM: Yeah, just keep saying that. Maybe it will come true.
PM: Look, you little--
EM: Does Mrs. Mobius know about those?
<Pharaoh Mobius goes a bit white in the face. Without another word, he and Nabut teleport out in an impressive display of sparks and blue light and stuff.>
Rimmer: Funny. There weren't all those fireworks when they came in. Oh well! So, what do you suppose we should do with this pencil now?
Mummy: I've taken the liberty of arranging for that while the rest of you were all wasting our valuable time.
Lita: Hey! King Fuzzypants! There you are! What have you been up to?
<Lord Kinsey Figgybottom looks at Lita with something like contempt, but swallows it down in the interest of taking care of the greater cause.>
Mummy: ... I was just getting to that, Madam. I've sewn together this voodoo doll here, resembling Pharaoh Mobius in every way. I trust it shall do for our purposes.
EM: What's that stupid looking thing on top of its head?
Mummy: That's his hat.
EM: Oh! Right! Hey, something about that doll looks familiar.... What did you make it out of?
Lita: My curtains! <Lita rushes to the window> Look there's a big hole in my curtains! <She starts jumping up and down in anger> You cut a hole in my OUCH!!! Evil Mike, you were supposed to sweep up all this glass!
EM: Yeah, well I guess I didn't, did I? Serves you right for walking around barefoot.
Lita: Owieeee....
Mummy: *chuckle* stupid bitch deserves what she… er… *ahem* All that remains is to draw features onto the doll, if you'll hand me that pencil, Miss. Rimmer.
<Lord Kinsey Figgybottom takes the eyeliner pencil, and draws a smiley face onto the doll, and writes "Pharaoh Mobius" across its chest.>
Mummy: There! I've finished. <He looks at Rimmer> We shall not, this time, bring the thing to life. But whatever else we do to it, the Pharaoh should feel.
Rimmer: All right!
Lita: Does anybody have a first-aid kit?
EM: It's your house. Shouldn't you have a first aid kit?
Lita: Oh yeah! Go get it for me, EM.
EM: No! *long pause* Oh, all right.
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
has ouchies on her footsies
Reply 666... she should have known something bad would happen
#667
Lita!!!!!! Are you watching Angel!!!!
Date: 09/24/2001
From: A_Judas_Rimmer
That's right. Your 3 hours behind me so I'll see the premier of Angel first!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
#668
You get to see it waaay first.
Date: 09/24/2001
From: Carmelita9000
I don't get WB, so I have to have a family friend tape every single episode for me, and then I have to wait for her to give me the tape.
And you know what? I don't get UPN either! So not only do I not get to watch Angel tonight, I won't get to see the Buffy premier when that happens either, until several days later!
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I neeeeeed to see what happens NOW!!!
And we have a satellite dish! I thought that was supposed to mean we get all the channels! But apparently you just get every channel except the ones you need in order to keep up with Buffy.
Thanks, Rimmi, you really made me feel much better! :)
I do get FX though, and they've bought the rights to the earlier episodes. I just watched the pilot! Yay!
Lita
has to sit and grit her teeth until the tape shows up
and then hope her friend got the timing right
#669
<gramps walks in drunk...
Date: 09/24/2001
From: grandmapa
from that wild party of manosgirl's>
gramps: WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOO*hic*OOOOOO!!!!!! Sure has been a while'r so, ain't it, Liter n' Reemer n' Eveevil Miker n' Pfh-Pfh-Pfhloarphrafofaeerh- aw heck *hic* you know who you are!
Lita: Ummm, hey there gramps! What are you doing here, you drunken old coot? Oh my goodness! Felicity is on!!!
gramps: Just keepern it reel! Ooooooo! A giernt stogie! <gramps staggers over to Lord Figgybottom with a cigarette lighter manosgirl gave him to play with>
Mummy: I say, old chum, what are you planning to do with... AHHHHHHHHH!!! I'M BURNING LIKE A PHOENIX!!! <due to gramps's drunken misidentification, Figgybottom has been engulfed in a fire of bandages, as has that happy little voodoo dolly>
gramps: Now, how do I smoke this here thang?
A_J_R: And I'm about to miss a rerun of Sister, Sister!!! Quick! Where's that T.V. Guide?!?! Help me, dammit!
EM: Ummm, Lita, a burning corpse is hugging my leg and screaming!
Lita: Not now! It's the episode where Keri Russell gets her hair cut short!!!
A_J_R: Dammit!!! It's time for Clueless! And it's on UPN!!!
Figgybottom: Help me... <Figgybottom is poofed into a pile of talking ashes> Wow! I feel so loose and separated now, old chap! Ba da, bing!
gramps: Now I knower! Whur is that thar straw... <snort>
Figgybottom: NOOOoooooo... <swoosh, sniff, sparkle, sparkle!>
EM: Owww! My leg is on fiya!!!
A_J_R: Dammit! Sabrina is on!!! And I don't have another VCR!!!
<A flaming voodoo doll with a funny face and headpiece is left beside gramps's foot...>
magrandpa?
grandmapa!, sch.
The Elderly Gender-Bender!
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Riddler Club!
President of the I Hate Hamburglar Club!
Second Place Winner of Wacky Races 2001!
9:20 P.M. CST!
#670
Hey, everybody...I just...WHAT THE???
Date: 09/25/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
(Surveys everything and everybody in the room, quickly glancing over Lita, of course)
Mickey: As I was about to say, I was going to pick up that essay.
Lita: You broke my window.
Mickey: Yeah, I noticed that. I'm still finding glass in places I didn't know I had places.
Lita: You broke my window.
Mickey: Yes, I think that's already been mentioned.
Lita: YOU BROKE MY WINDOW!
Mickey: Evil Mike?
Evil Mike: You broke her window. I liked that window (punches Mickey)
Mickey: Wow, Lita, you're right. He does have a talent for it. I didn't see it before but...Hey, Grandma...Grandpa....Grandthing! How's it going?
Rimmer: He made fun of us!!!
Mickey: Well, that's not nice.
Rimmer: Get him!
Mickey: No, I don't think so. I seem to remember what happened after the last gentlemenly thing I did for you.
Rimmer: You're still mad at THAT? That was like, days ago, and don't forget, you wrote it.
Mickey: Um...yeah. Cuckoo. Well, I'll be taking that essay now.
Evil Mike: You'll be taking an ambulance now.
Lita: Evil Mike, no...that's not nice at all.
Rimmer: Oh no, she's doing it again. I can't watch.
Lita: Mickey?
Mickey: What (Lita hits Mickey with another barstool that she stole from MST Blanca while she was evacuating)
Mickey T. Gardener
3rd Place Wacky Racer
Time/Space Expert
Setting this response record is getting to be hazardous to my health
#671
Lita: gramps, that's no way to behave!
Date: 09/25/2001
From: Carmelita9000
gramps: Wha?
Lita: You've killed Duke Jiggywithit! He and I were just starting to become really close friends!
gramps: *hic*
Lita: You've inspired me to harm Mickey for no good reason!
gramps: *belch*
Lita: And you've set Pharafafahfola's voodoo doll on fire! You know what that means?
gramps: er…
Lita: It means you've also set the real Pharafafahfola on fire!
EM: Lita, I think you've missed the most important thing, which happens to be, HE'S SET ME ON FIRE! AAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!! THE PAIN!!!! THE PAIN!!!!
Lita: Evil Mike, you retard! Stop drop and roll!
EM: Oh! Right!
<Evil Mike rolls around on the floor, and eventually the flames are smothered out. But not before seriously singeing the carpet. Rimmer grabs a pan lid from the kitchen, and puts it over the PM doll, which is still ablaze, depriving it of oxygen and putting out the fire.>
Rimmer: I can't believe you snorted Lord Kinsey Figgybottom.
Lita: And I just finished explaining that I don't get WB or UPN. We couldn't watch any of those shows if we wanted to!
gramps: Whadddaya wan from me? I'm drunk! I'm … oh… *AAAAHHHH-CHOOOO!!!!*
<grandmapa sneezes all over Lita's computer, or, more precisely, on the little ceramic cow with the broken leg that sits on top of Lita's computer to guard it from evil.>
Cow: Boy… that was an experience I'd like never to repeat. Mooooo! Where are your parents, young man?
gramps: Hey! Ahm'old!
Cow: I've been around for centuries. I don't (mooooo) care how old you are, you're still young compared to mooooooee.
Lita: Fingledopple! You're all right! That's great! gramps, you know… What can I say? You've trashed my living room, and nearly killed many of my acquaintances. And none of these things are made of gumby clay, and thus are irreplaceable. You're going in here until you sober up.
gramps: Huh? Hey, no! Idonwanna go in there!
<Lita starts to shove grandmapa into the sarcophagus>
gramps: There'sa g-g-g-ghost inthere! Idonwanna meet any scary ssssspooks!
Lita: <still shoving> Don't… be silly! That was just… Lord… Funkadelic. Now he's in the cow…
Cow: MOOO! I'm in a cow?! Oh sh-
Lita: …so he couldn't be… in the sarcophagus.
<With much effort, Lita manages to force grandmapa into the sarcophagus, and close the lid so he can't get out.>
gramps: <muffled> Lemmeout!
Ghost: OOOOOOoooooooo!
gramps: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lita: Oops! I guess there was another ghost in there!
Rimmer: Don't worry about it, gramps. He's a friendly ghost.
EM: I hear he's great with knock-knock jokes.
Lita: Hey, you know, I just remembered something. I know we want to reap our revenge on Phafahfah, but we don't really want to kill him, do we?
EM: Sure we do.
Rimmer: Actually, I don't know that I'm ready for murder.
Lita: In that case, maybe you should pick up that lid and give the poor guy some air so he doesn't die.
Rimmer: Oh! Right!
<Rimmer picks up the pan lid, allowing fresh air to get to the doll, and thus to the real Pharaoh Mobius.>
Lita: Good. Now I don't have to go to bed feeling guilty.
Ghost: Hey, little kid! Boo!
gramps: <starts crying>
Lita
Queen Bitch
President and/or Vice Prez of all those fun clubs
is a firm believer in tough love
Next up: MSTGardens
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